Wednesday, May 14, 2014

Mothers Day Misadventure - Old Farts versus Harbour City 11/5/14

The day dawned sunny and bright on Mothers Day 2014. Unfortunately the same couldn't be said of the Farts in this match.

It seems that some team members had mistaken a 2:15 start for 2:30. Or perhaps their Mothers Day lunch was still in progress as the game commenced.

Nuts took on the centre half role with some alacrity and his midfield domination soon had the oppo cringing and whinging to such an extent they managed to score within the first 5 minutes.

Unfortunately this became 2-0 soon afterwards as the Axeman's single handed efforts to stem the continuous wave of Harbour City attack were thwarted by an extremely lucky deflection from Harbour City in front of the goal.

The team's resident umpire Rear End managed to injure himself on Friday night in mysterious circumstances. Rear End ended up handing the whistle to Trapper about mid way through the first half. Trapper's keen eye and control as an umpire was soon in evidence, to the extent that free hits were soon being taken within at least 15 metres of the original infringement.

The Old Farts new penalty corner variation know as 'pretend to miss trap the pull out' came close to paying dividends at least once with the Axeman deflecting it to Craig, to Vince who just missed converting (in rugby terms, it was over). This clever miss trap PC variation continued throughout the first half and the Farts were very unlucky to head into the shed 2-0 down.

By half-time the Axeman had decided he had to single handedly save this game and took over umpiring duties from Trapper.

The second half saw a fantastic effort from the Farts, aided by some superior umpiring. The Farts defended so well that they held Harbour City goal less. At the attacking end Craig somehow managed to trap the ball on a PC against all odds, and in direct contravention of the Farts 'give the oppo a laugh on our PC' approach. Craig laid the ball off to Vince, whose powerful and accurate shot totally destroyed the Harbour City goalie's confidence and smashed into the backboard. The Axeman's effort in awarding this goal was absolutely stunning in its professionalism and brought the crowd to its feet.

Monday, May 5, 2014

May the 4th be with you - Old Farts versus Upper Hutt

The fourth game of the season was on May the 4th (be with you). This was an important game for the Old Farts, a loss would result in having to play off for relegation.

Carlos was obviously concerned about the vigorous warm up routine being exhibited by the oppo and consequently borrowed some girly's shin pads.

The heat was wicked and the oppo was young, fit and fast - a deadly combination. Soon some of the team had started to breathe like Darth Vader. Fortunately the WAGS medical corps were on hand to dish out asthma inhalers to those in need.

The opening score was by the the Farts, resulting from a piece of individual brilliance by Jason who made a break down the left and flicked the ball over the Upper Hutt Keeper. Jason was heard to remark just before scoring 'this is Red 44 I'm going in...'

The half time talk included inspiring comments such as 'bloody hell it's hot', 'why are these oranges real?' and 'why are there no Star Wars quotes that fit this situation?'.

Rejuvenated by the half-time oranges (literally Pope Stan - really?), the Farts had soon managed to allow Upper Hutt to level at 1-1.

However, despite the unrelenting heat, youthful opposition and lack of possession, Willie pounced on one of the few 2nd half opportunities from a well planned PC.

This PC variation is one out of the box. Moses pushed the ball out tantalisingly slowly so the oppo thought 'ha this will be easy'. Jason got to the near stationery ball inside the circle and deftly passed it back to the Axeman outside the circle. From here it went to Vince who carefully aimed the ball onto the keeper's pads at such an angle that it fell to Willie who finished this planned move off in style.

The Farts managed to hold Upper Hutt out for the last 10 minutes and avoid the possibility of being relegated.

Wednesday, April 9, 2014

First game of the season - "Zombie - Dawn of the Dead"

The first game of the season was on the morning that daylight savings changed, and obviously the Farts bodies were  "savings-lagged" (the daylight savings equivalent of Jet Lag).

Another new season saw a lot of old faces (will actually mainly very old faces and bodies) and a few new players.
Stan "the Man" Pope came back for another season, to bless the team
Watties had been busy in the off season and recruited Andy "Carlos" Paiti and a younger cousin Harry (yes, you can here the strains of the duelling banjos from deliverance in the background).

Phil "the axeman" Monrad had taken over the rudder to steer the team this year, so Nuts so spend more time on the sideline concentrating on his figure (Reportedly KFC is opening a new store next to Fraser Park).

So when this band of merry men finally arrived and  prepared to take Sunday morning, the opposition had already been there 30 mins, had a team warm up run and talk, and were stretching.

Not to be deterred, the Farts were buoyed with the youthful exuberance that comes from a mis-guided youth (yes i know some have to look through their photo albums at all the B&W photos to remember back that far), and seemed please that they actually made the field, and more that their shirt from last year still fitted them (great job Al getting stretchy shirts).

With new players, and old players shuffled into different positions the first half took a while to settle down. It reminded me of a retirement village when residents change rooms and take ages to realise that  they're not off on a world holiday to another country, they've just moved 20 m down the corridor.

To be far the Farts did challenge the Vic goal early in the first half with a couple of excursions, but they became increasingly camped on defence.

Half time saw the Farts 4-0 down, and in need of a breather and an energy boost. Trapper had prepared for that, with  highly specialised sports energy supplements (don't tell the Sports Anti Doping Commission, they aren't on the approved list) - although to his horror the WAGS had stuffed them selves with the Jet planes and left the Farts with only the Dinosaurs.

Maybe the addition of sleeping pills in the Dinosaurs backfired, as the Farts really seemed to go to sleep in the second half and it more resembled the "Zombie - Dawn of the Dead" as players seemed to wander around with a dazed look in their eyes.

The Farts did pull one back, Moses scoring from a stroke, i think the umpire gave it because given our age and potential dementia setting in, if we didn't get a goal we would forget what we were supposed to do when (if) we got into their circle.

Watties mustn't have had any of the secret Dinosaur uppers as he played well in goal to keep the second half to only 3-1.

Carlos was a god send, he seemed to have energy for Africa (think Nuts dozed off at one stage just from the effort of watching Carlos's boundless efforts).

So first two games over, Victoria won them both 4-0 and 3-1.

Talking to the management team after the game they were pleased with the efforts, the aim is not top peak too early (cause once they have theres no tomorrow) and that they came through with no injuries.

Goal - Moses !

3- Carlos - like the energiser bunny
2 - Watties ("it must be watties") - did manage to fall over a few times and luckily it was when Vic were on attack and shooting at the goal
1 - Moses (scored, was still able to walk and talk after the game)
1- Trapper (token point for the season for bringing oranges)

Tuesday, April 1, 2014

Opening game of the season

First game of the season, Sunday afternoon, 6th, V Upper Hutt 4 at Fraser, 3.45 PM!

Monday, March 31, 2014

Another season of Top level hockey is about to unveil itself

And the question on everyones lips is will the Farts continue their glorious tradition this year (long balls, hard hits, beers after the game, providing volunteers for medical science to practise their skills on).

After all the pre season transfers and wrangling over appearrence fees, it apopears that the Farts are nearly ready to take the field of glory again for another year.

We've managed to coax another old Fart out of semi retirement - (Stan - the marvels of modern medical science) and an even older Fart (Ssh) has threatened to play this year (well cameos of course). 

Line up looks like
Watkin Foote
Todd Lymburn
Alan Hyndman          
Jason Heckman       
Phil (the Axeman) Monrad 
Willy (the Mad Moari) McBride 
David Ryan
Craig (Boom Boom Becker) Porter
Stan Pope (back from the Hockey grave)
Phil Smith 
Andrew Paiti (relly of Foote's - ex eastern)
Dave Lewin - not regisyered yet, doctors still have him in rehab from last season but will roll him out saturday

Ill keep you posted re first game which is scheduled for next sunday

Dont forget to plug into the Old Farts blog  and facebook page for up to date news, views and reviews (its all true)

Wednesday, February 26, 2014

And now, the time is near.......

Well sports fans, now that we've been able to ignore those less serious attempts at sporting glory (Black Caps, Wgtn 7's, Auckland 9's and Sochi Winter olympics) its nearing the time for that long awaited climax of the sporting year to errupt upon our TV screens, the 2014 Old Farts season.

What will the starting line up look like, How will they go, Will we see Muzza's hair streaming back as he pounds up the field, will they dehyrdate, and that most anticpated evenyt of the year (well for Nuts and Debs) - will Nuts score?

With the opening game only just over a month away, the team already has confirmed
Watkin "did i let that in" Foote,
Rob "Nuts" Almond
Phil "chainsaw" monrad,
Dave "the mad biker" Ryan
Craig " Boom Boom Becker" Porter (check out the sweatband!)
Al (I'm an accountant and too serious for a nickname) Hyndman
Phil "Dynamo" Smith - (Hes not a magician but where does an old fart like him get that energy?)
Wayne "Trapper" Chapman
Dave "moses" Lewin
Jason "I need to get out of the house now im a new dad" Heckman

Wily "the mad Moari" Mcbride

There are also some still to confirm,
Toddy "I've yet to confirm but thats not new" Lymburn
Vince, John (all played last year but some idiot left them off the earlier mailing list!)
Muzza might make his long awaited return
And Foote might have a couple of extra "foote's" for the team, apparantly they can play a bit, but not sure of their other requirements yet - Energetic, endless running, willinginess to buy beer for rest of team

Lastly, maybe Gus might finally accept the challenge and take the promotioon to step up to Naenaes Premier team this year, although he will have to pass a Hydration, Beer purchasing test as well

So there we have it sports fans, a likley looking line up for this year.

Dates for your calender
Preseason Carb loading session - wednesday 26th - 7.30 AM - Cafefiend, Jackson st, Petone
Club Day - Fraser Park 2 - 4 PM Saturday 1st March (yes nuts there will be BBQ there!)