Monday, May 30, 2011

Farts wrestle a win

Last night the Farts took on Victoria in what was a classic Farts arm wrestle.
The farts team continues to be struggling for a consistent line up with injuries still effecting Trapper (half game) and Scotty (although winged Scotty played an outstanding game), and with Ash on a scouting mission for talent for the Bangalore Beer Bellies, and Rearend and Toddy still on their southern Promotional tour, the team had a decidedly younger than normal look to it.

Victoria applied the heat early on and had the majority of the pressure through the first half and into the second. The Farts with stood the pressure, through some solid defence from Wicky, Wazza and Nuts.  Timbo made a couple of great saves, one an instant reaction to a close lifted shot that he parried past the upright.

This made up for his near disastrous “leave” of a ball that was clearly going out for a 16 except it hit the post, cannoned back into play straight towards a Vic forward, however Timbo managed to usher the ball away before the Vic forward could shoot, recovering what could have been a very embarrassing “leave”.

Willy had some scorching runs up front, and the Farts did apply some pressure of their own, but half time came with the teams at nil all.

The Farts were relieved to get Trapper off umpiring and back on the field, (maybe they missed his pace and skill, or maybe because of a couple of his dubious calls?).

While Vic continued their pressure in the second half, the Farts slowly but surely managed to drag back the possession and territory stats. An early ball into the circle nearly saw Justin score, however the goalie came out made a gallant save, but in the ensuing collision Justin sustained a shoulder injury forcing him from the field.

The girls on the sideline were horrified to see a strange lump on his should where no lump should be (was that a banana in his should pads or was he just pleased to see them), and Ains and Jenny promptly organise to take him to Hospital. The medical report is that he “popped an AC joint”, 2 weeks in a sling, no lifting etc for a few weeks +, 2 months off any sport.  That’s the end of his “comeback” season!

As the pressure swung the Farts way they started to have opportunities, a couple of crosses failed to find a Farts stick, a deflection from Trapper was saved by the Goalie.
Then the defining moment (and quote of the game).
Vic got a pc, their #4 shouted out “I want to see a goal”.  The PC was cleared, and moved midfield., then moments later the ball came wide and was passed up field to Robbie who threw a precision pass into Willy, he nut-meged the advancing goalie to score. Strangely enough the Vic #4 didn’t seem to like “seeing “that goal”

That was the only goal of the match, and the farts came off the field relieved to have won their first game of the season, and looking forward to the 2 weeks break till their next game.

3- Timbo apart from his “leave” he had a solid with several “goal saving” reflex saves
2- Scotty – Outstanding game, good leadership and certainly covered the pitch, especially considering his injury
1 –Wicky – very solid in defence, and some great searching passes up field.
1.5 - Trapper - Oranges and umpired (badly?) the first half
1- each Ains and Jenny – transporting Justin to Hospital. Well done girls.  Witht the spat of injuries the spectators are dealing with this year maybe we should organise some official uniforms for them (nurses?)

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Breaking Wind - New hockey league to follow IPL blueprint - Old Farts being scouted

It was finally released this week that the World Hockey Assn (FIH) wants its new competition to draw on the success of cricket's glitzy Indian Premier League and plans to circumvent any 'club v country' dilemmas by incorporating the tournament on the official calendar.

It comes as no surprise that they want to widen the visual appeal of the game, and also to broaden the spectator base across a wider range of ages and types. Other sporting codes ahve had a raft of “more experienced players” returning to their respective sports, or staying longer at the top level, names such as Irene Van Dyke, Brad Thorne, Evander Holyfield and even Martin Crowe.

There have been rumours in the sheds in recent times, given the Farts management (Trapper and Ains) have been seen lately frequenting Curry shops, and the number of Indian spectators at recent games, that maybe some of the Farts team members are being scouted to help “widen” the appeal of the new professional league.

Sources indicate they are talking to several “heavy Weights” of the gamne here in wellington.
This reporter has uncovered a number of players that are being considered for roles, mainly for their experience and physicality they bring to the game.  Plyers belived to be “under consideration” are:
·         Ash – name linked as coach for the “Bangalore Beer Bellies  
·         Nuts - Surendranagar Slabs (from the peanut growing region of southern India)
·         ScottyDehli (Fire Breathing) Dragons
·         Toddy – apparently Indian women think he’s the spitting image of Elvis, with his long hair and side boards.
·         AdrianRoti Royals – apparently they are in discussion with Mercedes as principal sponsor and Adrian’s name is linked to being a key requirement for this to occur

Trapper wouldn’t be drawn on any comments; however he did flash around his new gold Rolex and keys to a Bentley as he waited outside Little India in Upper Hutt for his take away dinner.

Monday, May 23, 2011

Farts succumb to rotation plans (ie injury woes)

The longer and more physical Super season is starting to have an impact on the Farts.
This week it was a scramble to field a fully fit Farts team. Rearend and Toddy were still  unavailable due to their promotional tour down south. Timbo the replacement goalie was called up to the 5th team,  and the Injury bench was being kept warm  by Peter (out for season, needing shoulder reconstruction surgery), Justine (Asian Bird Flu) and this week Scotty (tweaked his Achilles running down to the letterbox).
To add to the injury woes Trapper injured himself in a nasty fall Saturday, but  turned up to soldier on with suspected fractured ribs.
It brings back memories of that world cup and the rotational strategy.  A new look Farts team with a much lower than normal average age took the field yesterday against the might of HCT.
With so many new players, it took some time for the Farts to settle down to any sort of rhythm. In fact, it took all game!  The game was reasonably evenly matched, with both teams applying pressure and forcing saves from the opposition goalies. Early in the second half Phil “hero captain of the young guns” was nut-meged by a HCT forward for them to score their first goal (didn’t your mother tell you to keep your legs together?).
 HCT scored again, and that really fired up the Farts. They had a period of sustained pressure, with a number of shots at goal, one bare cms from being deflected in off Trappers stick.
With all that late second half pressure the Farts were unlucky to not hit the back of the net, and were defeated 2-0.

3 – Gok – outstanding in the second half setting up willie and trapper with runs into open space, and a couple of flashing darts with the ball himself. Also produced several “centres”,  so made plenty of opportunities
2 – Willie – The Mad Maori showed some spirited runs from both RW and CF. Although his field time was restricted (took him 20 mins t o recover from each run!) whilst on the field he added pressure in the forward line
1 – Wicky – another strong game, making the most of his physical presence (especially early in the first half – getting a green card!). He also made strong runs and hard hit passes that carved up the HCT defence
1 – Adrian – Brought the oranges, probably deserved “player of the day” for that feat compared to how the Farts played the game.
1 - Trapper – Umpire duties
1-      Scotty – umpired our game , in fact turned up with Shaun and also helped umpired R1 game as well.

Next Game Sunday 29th , 5.15 at Fraser Park v Victoria.

Monday, May 9, 2011

Breaking Wind - Old Farts in Match fixing allegations?

News reports coming to hand from accross global sources are today advising that there is an investigation underway by the “ Fixing And Result Tampering” (F.A.R.T) group into allegations of match fixing in yesterdays battle for R1 promotion.

There are unsubstantiated rumours that the Farts Goalie, Rearend , was seen discussing the upcoming match later last week with a Local High Profile Indian Business man, Apu Nahasapeemapetilon, from the local Kwik-E-Mart. Rearend supposedly left the Kwik-E-Mart with a brown paper bag containing a large number of peanut slabs, which he supposedly shared with other key team members as a reward for throwing the match. Shortly before last night’s game a large bet was placed on Indians 6, and up until that time they had been rank outsiders at 250-1. The game ended in a 4-2 win to Indians, and the Old Farts were relegated to R2.

These allegations have rocked the Hockey and international sporting world, on a scale not seen since the 1999, 2003, 2007 and 2011 cricket world cups.

Officials have acted quickly and appointed an international team to investigate these allegations. The team is headed up by the Official Liaison Director Fixing And Result Tampering (O.L.D.F.A.R.T ), deputy chair is the “World Hockey Organisation Fixing And Result Tampering” Executive Director (W.H.O.F.A.R.T.Ed) and includes members of the British Investigation Group Fixing And Result Tampering Section (B.I.G.F.A.R.T.S)

The investigation is ongoing, but the team is struggling to obtain any proof as the evidence appears to have dissipated somewhat as time has gone on.

Farts fight back valiantly but overcome at the end – Yeah right

Last night the Farts played Indians6 for the right and privilege to stay in R1. It was a hard fought game, with both sides desperate to win – Yeah Right!

The winner would stay in R1, and the loser would drop down to R2. Hard to tell really who would be more pleased with the result, the winning team or the losing team/

Anyway, after a delayed start (the game before went past extra time into strokes) both teams took the field. The Farts only fielded 10 players, with several unable to play, and Trapper (senior) on the sideline. Luckily Scotty had brought Shaun, and he slotting in well on the right wing (Trapper junior) in the much cherished #44. Not only did he live up to Trapper Seniors reputation for slashing runs through the opposition defence, but he even fitted Trapper Seniors shirt well.

Indians threw everything they could at the Farts during the first half, including brining on Bilbo Baggins older brother (or was it Gimli the Dwarfs father?). Gok did manage to out sprint Bilbo, although Todd struggled, at one stage being robbed of the ball by this 100 YO 3’ 6” winger with the white flashing legs (like watching a strobe light at Boogie Wonderland).

Indians applied the pressure but were struggling to score, they had numerous balls into the goal mouth, with lots of missed shots and few saves from Rearend. Nuts played brilliantly in defence, saving a shot off the line (he obviously hadn’t read the script) and playing a strong and “solid” part in the defence.

Scotty took control of the team in the sheds at half time, it was nil all, but with the right tactics the farts still had a chance to grab a loss.

The second half had more pressure, and Rearend appeared to remember the game plan and let in a couple of quite soft goals.

With Indians 3 up, the Farts decided there was enough room for them to play aggressively, and Scotty really turned up the wick with incisive running and passing. Shaun scored 2 good goals and had chances to get a hat trick. The Indians defence opened up like the red sea, and the Farts were wishing this was a normal round robin game as they applied lot more pressure.

All in all the 4-2 lose was a good result, the Farts looking forward to R2 and Indians6 belatedly realising they had won the right to promotion to R1 (they were gutted!)


2 - Shaun (Trapper Junior)


4 - Nuts “solid” and all “round” game earned him MVP and a breakfast voucher for Silverspoon, (likely to be a big breakfast i would assume!) He also picks up a point for bringing the oranges.

2 - Scotty – another huge game, lots of energy and with Ash away he took control for the team.

1 – Shaun – must get point for his 2 goals

Next game, not advised yet, but we will need a full team, Rearend and Toddy are away for 3 weeks (Timbo should be standing in for Rearend or Trapper can if required) and Scotty will be out this weekend.

Monday, May 2, 2011

Farts go down to the Young Guns, but hold their heads high (and their tummy’s in!)

Yesterday the Farts squared off with the young guns in the first of the promotion/relegation games for R1/R2. Both teams fielded teams that were different than those that took the field for last years R2 final.

Willy sat the game out, recovering from his calf strain, and a couple of younger “future” Old Farts bolstered the reserves bench.

Both had chances and pressure. The Guns scored first, and then soon after again but the Frats pulled one back with Adrian powering a ball past the diving Guns keeper who managed to nick the ball but not enough to divert the powerful shot away from goal.

Trapper made some searing runs, and teamed up well with Scotty, latching o

nto a couple of his through balls (and one from Toddy), in one case getting shot away that hit the post. Following that the Farts were almost camped up in the Guns red zone, with successive free hits and several PC’s, but unable to hit the boards again.

Trapper started to struggle; the calf strain he was carrying slowed him up

Half time game, with the Farts 2-1 down, and Rearend limped towards the sheds, calling for a replacement, quickly stripping off and then helping Trapper into the pads. Whatever divine hockey God was looking down we don’t know, but it was like a “Moses parting the red sea” moment when Trapper strode onto the fields, maybe because he cut a fine figure in the huge gear, or possibly as everyone was laughing because the pads were on the wrong way around!

This was a sporting moment to savour, Trapper seemed to take to keeping like a duck to water, he was all grace, strength poise and balance as he kicked, dived and cleared the ball with pads and stick. It added new found confidence to the entire team as they kept the pressure on the guns. Nuts nearly had a moment of glory in front of goal but his shot was saved at the last moment (and debs let out a very audible “sigh of relief” from the side line)

Rearend had taken up Trappers position on the right wing, he must like standing in goal because he spent most of the second half standing in the young guns goal mouth.

Others plays played their part as well, another energetic game from Craig, a skilful and tactically aware Scotty saw a good number of through balls and searching passes, some strong defence by Toddy and good clearances.

Overall it was a good result , and one the team can build on. It was a widely held belief that if the Farts had last year’s team they would have thumped them.

Maybe the scene is set for a proper grudge match later in the season......


1 – Adrian – well Hit PC that fair thumped the back boards


3 – Craig – energetic game, and a bit bolshy too, the Silverspoon Voucher will apparently be put to good use for mothers day!

2 – Scotty – deserved some points, even if just for passing to Trapper (Cam never did!)

1 – Trapper – to see him in goal was sheer “poetry in motion!”

2- Robbie -1 for umpiring the 4th team early Sunday morning, 1 for bringing the oranges