Saturday, October 1, 2011

Farts Player gets top Naenae award

Well sports fans, the end of the season has come and only the back slapping and shouting was left.
And last night that event took place at the NaeNae club rooms.
It was sitting room only, and the crowd was friendly, although it felt strange to be turning up to the end of year prize giving in full and very warm sunshine.

All the usual suspects where there, although the Farts second team (Partners) was a bit thin on the ground with only Jenny, Ains, Maree and Jude (although Cambo came and sat at our table for awhile to bolster the womens numbers) .
After a meal of roast vegies and meat, with lots of gravy (good food to feed the Farts backs) the prize giving got under way. There was the usual pre awards, and the crowd started to build in eager anticipation as the Farts Manager Trapper was called up to announce and hand out the team awards.

First up was the "Most Improved", Trapper got that last year and was odd on favorite to retain the trophy but was pipped at the final post by the deserving winner, Willie! Willie had strong season, with incisive running and some greta goals, and he always has that smile that seems to melt away the problems of the world (even if he dopes always turn up late!).

The lights dimmed and the room hushed as the crowd waited for that ultimate Naenae award, the one every player wants to get at some stage in their life, the Silverspoon MVP of the "Farts".

This year it was a close race, and the winner only just pipped Trapper into second place at the final post - Scotty!
What a result, the crowd went wild. Scotty certainly deserved it, although not his best season, certainly a strong one, with lots of running and effort, some awesome passes (that's what we call long balls in the Farts) and also top goal scorer. His fitness regime must have paid off, as he still had enough breath to make "suggestions" to the umpires in almost every game.

The crowd had settled back into their seats, and started to re hydrate when the President announced some new "appreciation" awards for efforts above and beyond the call of duty etc etc (sort of a Congressional medal for Naenae hockey!

Trapper was called up to receive one, it appears his efforts at herding the team (yes, its like herding cats sometimes), providing a team card every game and a match ball finally paid off.
We caught up with trapper after the event for a one on one interview, and all he would say was that its important to spell peoples names right on the card, and this had obviously been noted by the heirachy of the club, thus the award).

Anyway, back to to the awards, there was a couple more important ones to be handed out, Top Goal scorer went to Cambo (with a measly 17 goals this year), he gets a mention here because, well, lets face it, he gets a bit of stick in this blog and given its nearly summer we thought we'd give him some support and praise.

Well deserved, and got special mention for helping his fellow forwards to last out the season by not causing them to undertake any hard work, in other words he never passed the ball this year either!

And finally, the penultimate award, one that has many seasoned campaigners names on it, names such as Hoskin, Hoskin, Hoskin, Hoskin and Hoskin, was to be announced. The Barry Ebert Cup, For the overall Naenae Hockey MVP for 2011 - and the winner was .........Scotty.

The judges felt his constant performances, leaving it all on the park, along with his indepth knowledge of the rules and volunteering to mentor lesser ability Umpires was enough for him to secure the ward.

One last item was to occur, and Trapper was called up to announce a new award that had been donated to the club, The Gok Shield (actually think its the McNie shield) for outstanding dress standards in the face of the enemy.

Seriously, this year was Robbies last year, 30 season with the club, an amazing record, and he had donated a shield to be engraved with all players that had played 25 or more seasons for the club.

well done robbo, but we are really hoping you will come back for another year next year!

And so it ended sports fans, as the crowds sloped out, some happy with their spoils, some dissaponited, it was a great end to another year of Farts Hockey.

Good bye 2011, Roll on 2012!

Well dfone again Scotty

Sunday, August 28, 2011

Its true that the sun will always come up again tomorrow

Its true that the sun will always come up again dawned a pleasant and potentially warm day, after the darkness of the previous night Tri Nations match.

Avoiding the depressing talk and post match permutations the team quickly moved onto the field and went through our prematch stretching, and hand eye co=ordination warm ups (rapidly looking and pointing at things).

The team were too busy concentrating on Scottys in depth strategy and tactic lecture to do the toss so Indians decided they wanted the ball and the umpire decided we would stay as we were.

The team was boyed with the return of Craig, all be it in a reduced capacity, but with the backs and halves in their usual positions, he was promoted to Right inner.

2 mins into the game and Craig collided with an Indians player (actually the Indians player tried to tackle Craig without any arms in the tackle and bounced off him), we all held our breath that craig hadn’t damaged and luckily he hadn’t. He took a slight knock to the eye, which had virtually closed over by the end of the match.

The Farts played their normal expansive game, and Trapper had some insicive runs up the right flank , with Willy putting pressure on the Indian goal. After a PC and more pressure Willy slammed the ball goal wards, the goal threw his body in front of it, and Trapper thumped the ball into the boards.

The game see sawed and Indians had some PC’s, and Rearend partially deflected a shot at goal, only to have it cannon into Nuts (well actually it was nearly completely swallowed up by his stomach) on the goal line, and the umpire had no hesitation in awarding a stroke. Indians converted by sending Rearend the wrong way to draw level.

Trapper had his second goal disallowed, a Nuts free hit inside the quarter didn’t go 5 before he drove it to the far post for Trapper to guide past the goalie.

Just before going to the sheds Indians scored again, and the Farts came off 2-1 down. The team was very quiet at half time, not so much from the score but as no one seemed to have enough breath to live and talk at the same time.

A slight jigging of the tactics for the second half showed results quickly. Craig played higher, and the team were trying more quick short passes.

The Farts front threes match fitness and stamina started to show, with them applying lots of pressure on the goal mouth, and during one scramble Sean passed a shot in to level the scores.

Shortly after and Willy was carving up the Indians left hand defence, driving to the goal line, quick bvall back to Sean who passed the ball to the far post for trapper to slam home for his second.

More pressure and Scotty slid one past the goalie, and the Farts had come back from the brink of disaster to lead 4-2.

It seemed at that point that the decisions in our defence circle started to get a bit one sided, with the umpire giving Indians advantage in the circle then bringing it back for PC’s when they squandered that advantage. One highlight was a great tackle from rearend, he lined up his man and was already launching himself out of the line when the ball was passed to the Indians attacker, the attacker got the ball and Rearend at the same time, and Rearend flattened him in a tackle that Brad thorn would have been proud of.

Indians pulled one back, a fluky goal from a ball driven into the circle that just clicked an Indians stick and whipped past Rearend.

The game was fast paced though, and one such break saw Trapper accelerating past an Indians attacker only to be taken out in spectacular form.

Shortly after Inidians camped down in the Farts circle and scored the equaliser. And when it looked like the Farts might breakout and score the winner the umpire blew for full time.

So the Farts ended the normal round robin season with another draw, and new record in one season.


2 – Trapper

1- Scotty

1- Sean


3 - Adrian - great effort especially in the second half

2 - Alan – consistently high work rate

1 – Craig - strong performance after his injury lay off

Friday, August 26, 2011

Don't fart in Harrods.

A lady walks into Harrods. She looks around, spots a beautiful diamond
bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more
closely, she unexpectedly farts.

Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone noticed
her little woops and prays that a sales person was not anywhere near.
As she turns around, her worst nightmare materialises in the form of
a salesman standing right behind her - Good looking as well

Cool as a cucumber, he displays all of the qualities one would expect
of a professional in a store like Harrods.
He politely greets the lady with, 'Good day, Madam. How may we help
you today?

Blushing and uncomfortable, but still hoping that the salesman
somehow missed her little 'incident', she asks, 'what is the price of
this lovely bracelet?'

He answers, "Madam - if you farted just looking at it - you're going
to shit yourself when I tell you the price!"

Thursday, August 25, 2011

Monday, August 22, 2011

One win one loss – 50% is that a pass rate?

Wednesday night, 10th August V Northern United

The past month has seen the Farts scheduling disrupted with 3 games in 4 weeks. It was strange feeling to have a Wednesday night game sandwiched between two weekends off.

The boys turned up the game at eldson, some straight from work, others still finishing off their dinner. It was cold, and surprisingly dark (well ut was 7.00pm!).

Trapper called the toss, and managed to win one, so the Farts played into the sun in the first half.

Its fair to say that the Farts had most of the pressure, with a number of shots at goal forcing saves from the Northern Goalie, Willie managed to slip one past top open the scoring, and the Farts went to the sheds 1-0 up. A good effort against a team of only 9 players (yeah right)!

Whatever was in Northerns half time water fired them up, and they came out blazing, and managed an equaliser. It was looking like the Frats would add to their already new record of 7 draws in a season. But they piled the pressure on, and after some physical play (Scotty, you really should pick on someone your own height instead of the shorties) and numerous PC’s the Farts pulled the winner out of the bag. A slammer of a hot from Scotty near the top of the circle whizzed past everyone into the backboards. The score line didn’t reflect the overall pressure the Farts had, but they were happy to take the win.


Scotty – 1

Willy – 1


3 – Nuts – great game in defence considering he had was suffering form a very serious man flu, apparently it was so bad Debs ghad to unwrap his peanut slabs for him as he didn’t have the strength to.

2- Al – apart from contributing to Northerns goal (some say Al should have had his name against it on the scoresheet!) , a good game with lots of chasing.

Sunday 21st, V Karori

The last game seemed a long time ago as the farts gathered in the last rays of sun to take the field against the Karori team. They had a lightness in there step, mainly due to actually having 12 players , and also at least starting the game in the sun.

Scotty lost the toss and we had to play into the sun, luckily it had dropped below the hill line before hit off.

The previous game was a bit one sided (Karori won 8-1!) but this time round the teams were very even. Both teams had their chances, and Karori managed to score two goals foff deflection, the second was pure luck with a player throwing his stick out at a ball going wide of the goal and getting an inside edge that flew past the keeper.

At the other end numerous shots went wide of the goal and several easy opportunities went begging, the Karori keeper seemed to be everywhere, and finally Brad managed to send one past him as he sprawled on the ground and Scotty guided it across the line (well it had virtually gone in but scatty made sure it went against his name on the sheets).

The boys went to the sheds only 2-1 down, and waited for their valiant leader to join them, however the umpires wanted to chat briefly to both captains, it appeared they had enough of the back chat (who me ref?) and warned both teams.

The second half started the same as the first, with Karori back chatting the umpires and neither umpire choosing to do anything about it. After that the game degraded quickly, with both teams getting frustrated with the level of umpiring, both in decision making and control. It nearly boiled over when the Karori supplied umpire turned over a decision 20 mins into the second half as he “had enough of the back chat” from the Farts.

Sadly that was the biggest highlight of the second half, the Farts missed a number of goal opportunities (come back Moses, we are missing your touch in front of goal) and Karori scored another.

A 3-1 loss was an improvement, although the Frats could have won the game. The real shame of the game is the standard of umpiring that is constantly at this grade, with umpires seemingly unwilling to make decisions or blow their whistle.

So it looks like the Frats will end the season in the lower half of the table, not a great result but a definite improvement from the start of the season.

Scotty was the only Goal scorer.


3 – Adrian – high work rate in the midfield and defence

2- Rearend – hasn’t gotten any points for a while (actually he played well and deserved them)

1 – Robbie – a number of good passes opened up the right hand siode for attack

1 - Trapper Umpired the r# game earlier in the day

Monday, August 1, 2011

Farts dominate in local derby

With the finals starting to appear on the horizon the Farts have struggled to find any rhythm or consistency with a larger than normal number of injuries through the season and the odd player MIA.
The recent cold snap had also dampened spirits somewhat, so it was a pleasant feeling for them to run out onto the number 1 field in sunshine yesterday for the main game, a local derby between The Farts and the recently promoted Upper Hutt team.

Upper Hutt were pleased they had reserves going into this match, whilst the Farts were please they actually had 11 players (thankfully Chris F turned p 5 mins before the game with his gear just in case to be the 11th man!) .
Try to local derby’s, it was a physical and at times heated exchange, with both umpires withering a storm of “assistance” from both teams.
Upper Hutt looking ominous early on, with some slick short passing, trapping and effective running off the ball.

However it was the Farts that drew first blood, playing their typical fast break game they pressured the UH defence, with Trapper having a shot at goal saved by the goalie and another going wide of the uprights. Shortly after the Farts were awarded a PC, which Scotty slammed into the back board. UH responded with a quick goal, aided into the back of the net by Alan.
UH still looked impressive with their passing and trapping, however the Farts were able to wrestle back enough ball to pressure them, Brad forcing the goalie to make a save, who was then stranded at the top of the D for Scotty to score again.

Before half time, Scotty had bagged a hatrick, and the Farts went to the sheds 3-1 up and feeling reasonably pleased with their efforts.

The second half started off with a hiss and a roar from UH, but as it progressed they seemed to fade badly.

The midfield opened up, and the Farts were getting lots of ball up the right through Chris and the centre through Willie. Trapper scored to open the score sheet for the second half, then shortly afterwards banged a rebound off the goalie into the net.

Most of the game seemed to be played in the UH red zone, with numerous corners, long and short, and tempers getting frayed with very loose tackling by UH.

Brad deftly placed the ball into the inside right of the goal to open his scoring for the Farts, and Trapper finished off the scoring with his third (and first hatrick in 20 years), perfectly trapping a cross field pass from the right wing by Chris, one step into the circle and slamming the ball past the keeper into the left hand backboards.

The final score line (7-1) reflected the overall pattern of play and pressure. The Farts seem to be peaking at the right end of the season, and after a injury induced disrupted season seem to be getting their game plan together. However it seems a large mountain to climb to get back in QF contention.

3- Scotty
3- Trapper
1 – Brad

3- Trapper – deserved the points with a hat trick, and seems to be settling into the role of striker after years off feeding the circle from the wing.
2- Scotty – His hat trick takes him to the top of the Farts goal scoring list for this season, and Scotty put in his usual high work rate.
1- Al – strong performance in defence and feeding the forwards even considering the nice own goal.
1- Adrian well stock oranges

Monday, July 25, 2011

Farts weather the storm

While it was a balmy 5 degrees yesterday out of the wind, when a depleted 10 man farts team took the field the wind chill was down to only 1 degree.Not sure who won the toss but we played with the biting wind and rain at our backs in the first half, not bad for the backs, but the forwards had to stand facing it, and the wind driven rain was so hard at one stage the forwards had to shield their faces so they could see.

It wasn't just the weather that was stormy, a full strength Victoria (with reserves and a much lower average age) came out firing in the first half. While they didn’t pressure the goal much, the backs and halves had a lot of work to do.

However it was pressure form long balls (the std Farts strategy) that drew first blood at the other end. The pressure started to show with some few incisive runs, a couple which should have lest been rewarded with PC’s, and a reverse stick zinger at goal from trapper that narrowly missed (and even Cam would have been proud of that). Action around the top of the circle saw Scotty have a shot that took a deflection past the goalie into the boards. 1-0 up!Shortly after Vic drew level, then had a goal from a PC disallowed due to being too high.

The sheds were welcome shelter from the wind and rain at half time, with not a lot of discussion (apart from the umpiring at one end matching the atrocious weather) – but still 1-1 was a good position given Vic pressure.

The second half saw a slight respite in the weather (the rain was falling vertically not horizontally) and the game initially see–sawed, but towards the last quarter the Farts game plan of pacing themselves started to pay off as Vic fell away from the play. While the centre of the field was still ab bit of an armwrestle, the Farts managed to slowly get the upper hand, with lots of pressure, 5 PC’s and numerous free hits in the red zone. In fact Vic were lucky not to have some yellow cards due to their tackling and not retiring at free hits.

The pressure first started to tell when Willy latched onto a rebound off the keepers pads and nearly pasted it through the back net. From there it was constant Farts pressure, with Trapper finding space around the spot a number of times but not being able to stop or deflect the fiercely hit passes from Scotty (he blamed cold hands!).Willy then hammered home another one, and Vic’s heads started to drop, then Scotty nailed the coffin lid shut with an awesome strike that squeezed past the RGH upright 4-1!

And thus it finished.A great result, given the weather and only 10 players!

2 - Willy
2- Scotty

4- Willy – great running from the mad moari, and 2 awesome goals, also brought the oranges
2 – Adrian – great game at CH
1 – Nuts – strong defense
1 – Rear-end – umpired the early game

Monday, July 18, 2011

BBQ Recipe - Grilled Wallaby!

I found out about a new recipe for the BBQ, apparently the latest craze in Samoa.

Grilled Wallaby, marinated in their own ego, quick grilled over a flaming hot home crowd, and served with lashing from the media.

Could well be on the menu at the world cup!

Farts manage to grab a draw from the jaws of victory again.

Yes campers, this journalist is back after a tour of duty fighting against the maddening hordes of the paper war (tenders and RFP’s).

And just in time too to see a glimmer of the old Farts magic starting to come back.

It appears like the Farts are on their way back to peaking, after a slow start to this season, mainly due to injury woes and apparently a number of players showing their age but forgetting to turn up for the games.

Yesterday the Farts took on a Bi-gender team (The goalie had a distinctly female voice but hard to tell any “distinguishing features” under the protective pads).

Maybe the injection of a new match ball in the first half was the difference?

The Farts appear to be hitting their straps with their expansive style, with Legs making a quest appearance up front, the Farts had a mobile three pronged attack force (Legs, Shaun and Trapper) to move the HCT defence around. The first half was almost all Farts pressure, with a number of long balls making the HCT scramble in defence and forcing their goalie to work. The pressure resulted in a number of PC’s in the first half, but couldn’t convert any.

A number of shots went wide, and Trapper edged a long ball from Scotty past the defender and gaolie but couldn’t turn back into the goal, only managing to rattle the side netting.

The first goal was pure reflex from Trapper, following a series of passes that carved up the HCT defence, Shaun had a shot that cannoned off the goalies pads and Trapper was there to smack it into the net 1-0.

A little later in the half and series of passes saw Scotty around the spot and Shaun on Post duty on the LH upright, Scotty slid the ball to Shaun who guided it home, 2-0.

It was a reasonably quiet time in Farts defence for the half, Rearend did touch the ball a couple of times, although once was just a back pass to nuts to clear.

Half time was a chance for the Farts to gather their breath and tend to the wounded, Craig had picked up a shoulder injury in a tumble, and there was concern that he wouldn’t go back to the front line, however with a stern upper lip he announced that he was willing to again front up for Club and Country.

The second half saw a re-invigorated HCT come out, almost like a different set of 11 on the field?

The Farts continues their Blitzkrig attacks, although they were punctuated by some sterling work on defence, Rearend putting his body on the line saving a number of shots.

The Farts continued to apply the pressure, resulting in a number of long corners and also a few more PC’s , although the HCT defence managed to hold out, then finally the Umpire at that end actually saw the ball hit a foot, and unfortunately for the HCT team, the foot was just in front of the goal line. Scotty managed to overcome the feeling of amazement and relief that the umpire at this late stage in the game has suddenly realised the ruling re ball/foot, and sent the goalie the wrong way with the stroke.

Unfortunately, that just fired up HCT even more, and they managed to slot three goals on their own in the last 15 mins to draw the game 3-3.

One was a stroke, and while Rearend dove the right way, it flicked the outside of his raised arm to go in.

So the game ended 3-3, a disappointing end in some ways, although a good open game, with periods of old style Farts brilliance showing through.


Trapper – 1

Shaun – 1

Scotty -1


3 – Adrian – there was no single stand out player this week, but Adrian gets 3 points for good consistent play, some good passing which lead to at least one goal, and also umpiring the R3 game

2 – Craig – fought on valiantly after being wounded mid way through the first half

1 - Nuts – lots of work in the back , also picked up a third box of peanut slabs!.

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Farts snatch Draw...........From the Jaws of Victory

Sunday night all eyes were on the Farts as they took the field with a rteasonably injury free line up.
·         Rearend and Toddy were back from their “Great Southern Promotional Tour” which i believed stopped at just about every pub on the way
·         Trapper was fighting fit after his calf tear/Achilles strain and severely bruised ribs (yes can see Ainsleys eyes go skywards with a “here he goes  again......” comment
·         Scotty still had a tight calf but was willing to brave it out
·         And Ash was back from a recruiting drive for the Bangalore Beer Bellies in the pacific islands (and touching up on his “re-Fuelling” and  “re-Hydration” techniques).
So it was with a hushed and wide eyed anticipation that the huge crowd (Mrs Nuts, Mrs Trapper, Mrs Craig, and Mrs Scotty, a one armed paper hanger – Justin,  and a small dog that wondered in and seemed to want to inspect every blade of grass) waited for the whistle to blow.
The game started and seemed to go back and forwards, although the Farts had the lion share of possession and territory in the opposition goal they couldn’t even buy a PC.  Trapper managed to get onto a partlty defended shot, and with a sweeping motion propelled it towards the goal. Unfortunately it was with a high arc, so high and slow that the goalie had to stop and wait for it to get to him (in the old Days “ Moth” (David White)  or even “Mac” (Graeme MacGregor) would have had time to roll a smoke before it arrived!) and then calmly pat it away.
However trapper got his revenge a few minutes later, standing on the far post when a firmly Hit pass (yes Cam, it was a pass, not like your “shots” , i know because Adrian said it was!) found his stick and cannoned into the net.
The Farts poured more pressure on, and were at times hacked to pieces , but apart from a number of shots that went just wide or crosses that were just out of reach had nothing to show for it.
So the discussion in the shed at half time was more of the same but improve accuracy of the passes. Just 1 – 0 up, but should have been more.
The Farts poured on more pressure in the second half, a couple of searing runs by trapper fizzled out, he managed to get himself in the clear, completely unmarked on the top of the circle with only the goalie to beat, a great through ball from Toddy managed to scythe through the Karori defence and then trapper missed an easy trap by an inch or two! In defence of Trapper, at his age he doesn’t handle surprises well.
Sean came on to the left wing and the attack got even fiercer, however there must be something wrong with a spot just on the LH edge of the circle, as Sean was there completely unmarked when a ball came through to him and he promptly slipped over (exactly the same spot Trapper had missed the ball). Maybe that part of the track hadn’t “rubbered in” or there was oil or debris there?
A short time later Sean made up for it, smacking a cross from close range goal wards, tit rose up, deflecting off a Karori player into the net 2-0!
Karori should have gotten a debating award then for consistent and persistant discussion with the umpire about rules, rulings, player eligibility and anything they could find to “discuss” .  The Frats were probably lucky they didn’t save the energy they expounded in the “discussions” as they would have “run them off the park“ if they had.
Up till now the farts defence had shown sterling efforts to combat everything thrown at them, however it had gotten harder in the second half, partially due to the Karori provided umpire being changed for a player. Suddenly y the umpire down that end knew what a pc was, and started to dish them out for events as trivial event as Karori actually getting into our circle.
Toddy, Nuts, Wicky and Al all played well, but with 10 minutes to Go the Karori players (and umpire) seemed to step up a gear with determination.  Karori pulled 2 goals back, the last with about a minute to go, to snatch the draw.
The result didn’t show the true efforts on the pitch, with possession of 67%, territory of 63% and
“time in the opposition quarter” of 7min 36 seconds as opposed to Karori’s 4 mins 12 secs, the Farts felt disappointed to have not gone on to a glorious thrashing.

1 – Trapper (first of the year)
1-      Sean

3 – Toddy – great defence, and some real hum dingers of clearing hits/passes, shame more weren’t “touched” into the net
2 - Wicky – another solid game
1 – Al – had a great game as well, with more piercing attacking runs and passes.
1 - Ash – Umpired –thanks, good to have one consistent umpire
1 – Toddy - Oranges

Monday, May 30, 2011

Farts wrestle a win

Last night the Farts took on Victoria in what was a classic Farts arm wrestle.
The farts team continues to be struggling for a consistent line up with injuries still effecting Trapper (half game) and Scotty (although winged Scotty played an outstanding game), and with Ash on a scouting mission for talent for the Bangalore Beer Bellies, and Rearend and Toddy still on their southern Promotional tour, the team had a decidedly younger than normal look to it.

Victoria applied the heat early on and had the majority of the pressure through the first half and into the second. The Farts with stood the pressure, through some solid defence from Wicky, Wazza and Nuts.  Timbo made a couple of great saves, one an instant reaction to a close lifted shot that he parried past the upright.

This made up for his near disastrous “leave” of a ball that was clearly going out for a 16 except it hit the post, cannoned back into play straight towards a Vic forward, however Timbo managed to usher the ball away before the Vic forward could shoot, recovering what could have been a very embarrassing “leave”.

Willy had some scorching runs up front, and the Farts did apply some pressure of their own, but half time came with the teams at nil all.

The Farts were relieved to get Trapper off umpiring and back on the field, (maybe they missed his pace and skill, or maybe because of a couple of his dubious calls?).

While Vic continued their pressure in the second half, the Farts slowly but surely managed to drag back the possession and territory stats. An early ball into the circle nearly saw Justin score, however the goalie came out made a gallant save, but in the ensuing collision Justin sustained a shoulder injury forcing him from the field.

The girls on the sideline were horrified to see a strange lump on his should where no lump should be (was that a banana in his should pads or was he just pleased to see them), and Ains and Jenny promptly organise to take him to Hospital. The medical report is that he “popped an AC joint”, 2 weeks in a sling, no lifting etc for a few weeks +, 2 months off any sport.  That’s the end of his “comeback” season!

As the pressure swung the Farts way they started to have opportunities, a couple of crosses failed to find a Farts stick, a deflection from Trapper was saved by the Goalie.
Then the defining moment (and quote of the game).
Vic got a pc, their #4 shouted out “I want to see a goal”.  The PC was cleared, and moved midfield., then moments later the ball came wide and was passed up field to Robbie who threw a precision pass into Willy, he nut-meged the advancing goalie to score. Strangely enough the Vic #4 didn’t seem to like “seeing “that goal”

That was the only goal of the match, and the farts came off the field relieved to have won their first game of the season, and looking forward to the 2 weeks break till their next game.

3- Timbo apart from his “leave” he had a solid with several “goal saving” reflex saves
2- Scotty – Outstanding game, good leadership and certainly covered the pitch, especially considering his injury
1 –Wicky – very solid in defence, and some great searching passes up field.
1.5 - Trapper - Oranges and umpired (badly?) the first half
1- each Ains and Jenny – transporting Justin to Hospital. Well done girls.  Witht the spat of injuries the spectators are dealing with this year maybe we should organise some official uniforms for them (nurses?)

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Breaking Wind - New hockey league to follow IPL blueprint - Old Farts being scouted

It was finally released this week that the World Hockey Assn (FIH) wants its new competition to draw on the success of cricket's glitzy Indian Premier League and plans to circumvent any 'club v country' dilemmas by incorporating the tournament on the official calendar.

It comes as no surprise that they want to widen the visual appeal of the game, and also to broaden the spectator base across a wider range of ages and types. Other sporting codes ahve had a raft of “more experienced players” returning to their respective sports, or staying longer at the top level, names such as Irene Van Dyke, Brad Thorne, Evander Holyfield and even Martin Crowe.

There have been rumours in the sheds in recent times, given the Farts management (Trapper and Ains) have been seen lately frequenting Curry shops, and the number of Indian spectators at recent games, that maybe some of the Farts team members are being scouted to help “widen” the appeal of the new professional league.

Sources indicate they are talking to several “heavy Weights” of the gamne here in wellington.
This reporter has uncovered a number of players that are being considered for roles, mainly for their experience and physicality they bring to the game.  Plyers belived to be “under consideration” are:
·         Ash – name linked as coach for the “Bangalore Beer Bellies  
·         Nuts - Surendranagar Slabs (from the peanut growing region of southern India)
·         ScottyDehli (Fire Breathing) Dragons
·         Toddy – apparently Indian women think he’s the spitting image of Elvis, with his long hair and side boards.
·         AdrianRoti Royals – apparently they are in discussion with Mercedes as principal sponsor and Adrian’s name is linked to being a key requirement for this to occur

Trapper wouldn’t be drawn on any comments; however he did flash around his new gold Rolex and keys to a Bentley as he waited outside Little India in Upper Hutt for his take away dinner.

Monday, May 23, 2011

Farts succumb to rotation plans (ie injury woes)

The longer and more physical Super season is starting to have an impact on the Farts.
This week it was a scramble to field a fully fit Farts team. Rearend and Toddy were still  unavailable due to their promotional tour down south. Timbo the replacement goalie was called up to the 5th team,  and the Injury bench was being kept warm  by Peter (out for season, needing shoulder reconstruction surgery), Justine (Asian Bird Flu) and this week Scotty (tweaked his Achilles running down to the letterbox).
To add to the injury woes Trapper injured himself in a nasty fall Saturday, but  turned up to soldier on with suspected fractured ribs.
It brings back memories of that world cup and the rotational strategy.  A new look Farts team with a much lower than normal average age took the field yesterday against the might of HCT.
With so many new players, it took some time for the Farts to settle down to any sort of rhythm. In fact, it took all game!  The game was reasonably evenly matched, with both teams applying pressure and forcing saves from the opposition goalies. Early in the second half Phil “hero captain of the young guns” was nut-meged by a HCT forward for them to score their first goal (didn’t your mother tell you to keep your legs together?).
 HCT scored again, and that really fired up the Farts. They had a period of sustained pressure, with a number of shots at goal, one bare cms from being deflected in off Trappers stick.
With all that late second half pressure the Farts were unlucky to not hit the back of the net, and were defeated 2-0.

3 – Gok – outstanding in the second half setting up willie and trapper with runs into open space, and a couple of flashing darts with the ball himself. Also produced several “centres”,  so made plenty of opportunities
2 – Willie – The Mad Maori showed some spirited runs from both RW and CF. Although his field time was restricted (took him 20 mins t o recover from each run!) whilst on the field he added pressure in the forward line
1 – Wicky – another strong game, making the most of his physical presence (especially early in the first half – getting a green card!). He also made strong runs and hard hit passes that carved up the HCT defence
1 – Adrian – Brought the oranges, probably deserved “player of the day” for that feat compared to how the Farts played the game.
1 - Trapper – Umpire duties
1-      Scotty – umpired our game , in fact turned up with Shaun and also helped umpired R1 game as well.

Next Game Sunday 29th , 5.15 at Fraser Park v Victoria.

Monday, May 9, 2011

Breaking Wind - Old Farts in Match fixing allegations?

News reports coming to hand from accross global sources are today advising that there is an investigation underway by the “ Fixing And Result Tampering” (F.A.R.T) group into allegations of match fixing in yesterdays battle for R1 promotion.

There are unsubstantiated rumours that the Farts Goalie, Rearend , was seen discussing the upcoming match later last week with a Local High Profile Indian Business man, Apu Nahasapeemapetilon, from the local Kwik-E-Mart. Rearend supposedly left the Kwik-E-Mart with a brown paper bag containing a large number of peanut slabs, which he supposedly shared with other key team members as a reward for throwing the match. Shortly before last night’s game a large bet was placed on Indians 6, and up until that time they had been rank outsiders at 250-1. The game ended in a 4-2 win to Indians, and the Old Farts were relegated to R2.

These allegations have rocked the Hockey and international sporting world, on a scale not seen since the 1999, 2003, 2007 and 2011 cricket world cups.

Officials have acted quickly and appointed an international team to investigate these allegations. The team is headed up by the Official Liaison Director Fixing And Result Tampering (O.L.D.F.A.R.T ), deputy chair is the “World Hockey Organisation Fixing And Result Tampering” Executive Director (W.H.O.F.A.R.T.Ed) and includes members of the British Investigation Group Fixing And Result Tampering Section (B.I.G.F.A.R.T.S)

The investigation is ongoing, but the team is struggling to obtain any proof as the evidence appears to have dissipated somewhat as time has gone on.

Farts fight back valiantly but overcome at the end – Yeah right

Last night the Farts played Indians6 for the right and privilege to stay in R1. It was a hard fought game, with both sides desperate to win – Yeah Right!

The winner would stay in R1, and the loser would drop down to R2. Hard to tell really who would be more pleased with the result, the winning team or the losing team/

Anyway, after a delayed start (the game before went past extra time into strokes) both teams took the field. The Farts only fielded 10 players, with several unable to play, and Trapper (senior) on the sideline. Luckily Scotty had brought Shaun, and he slotting in well on the right wing (Trapper junior) in the much cherished #44. Not only did he live up to Trapper Seniors reputation for slashing runs through the opposition defence, but he even fitted Trapper Seniors shirt well.

Indians threw everything they could at the Farts during the first half, including brining on Bilbo Baggins older brother (or was it Gimli the Dwarfs father?). Gok did manage to out sprint Bilbo, although Todd struggled, at one stage being robbed of the ball by this 100 YO 3’ 6” winger with the white flashing legs (like watching a strobe light at Boogie Wonderland).

Indians applied the pressure but were struggling to score, they had numerous balls into the goal mouth, with lots of missed shots and few saves from Rearend. Nuts played brilliantly in defence, saving a shot off the line (he obviously hadn’t read the script) and playing a strong and “solid” part in the defence.

Scotty took control of the team in the sheds at half time, it was nil all, but with the right tactics the farts still had a chance to grab a loss.

The second half had more pressure, and Rearend appeared to remember the game plan and let in a couple of quite soft goals.

With Indians 3 up, the Farts decided there was enough room for them to play aggressively, and Scotty really turned up the wick with incisive running and passing. Shaun scored 2 good goals and had chances to get a hat trick. The Indians defence opened up like the red sea, and the Farts were wishing this was a normal round robin game as they applied lot more pressure.

All in all the 4-2 lose was a good result, the Farts looking forward to R2 and Indians6 belatedly realising they had won the right to promotion to R1 (they were gutted!)


2 - Shaun (Trapper Junior)


4 - Nuts “solid” and all “round” game earned him MVP and a breakfast voucher for Silverspoon, (likely to be a big breakfast i would assume!) He also picks up a point for bringing the oranges.

2 - Scotty – another huge game, lots of energy and with Ash away he took control for the team.

1 – Shaun – must get point for his 2 goals

Next game, not advised yet, but we will need a full team, Rearend and Toddy are away for 3 weeks (Timbo should be standing in for Rearend or Trapper can if required) and Scotty will be out this weekend.

Monday, May 2, 2011

Farts go down to the Young Guns, but hold their heads high (and their tummy’s in!)

Yesterday the Farts squared off with the young guns in the first of the promotion/relegation games for R1/R2. Both teams fielded teams that were different than those that took the field for last years R2 final.

Willy sat the game out, recovering from his calf strain, and a couple of younger “future” Old Farts bolstered the reserves bench.

Both had chances and pressure. The Guns scored first, and then soon after again but the Frats pulled one back with Adrian powering a ball past the diving Guns keeper who managed to nick the ball but not enough to divert the powerful shot away from goal.

Trapper made some searing runs, and teamed up well with Scotty, latching o

nto a couple of his through balls (and one from Toddy), in one case getting shot away that hit the post. Following that the Farts were almost camped up in the Guns red zone, with successive free hits and several PC’s, but unable to hit the boards again.

Trapper started to struggle; the calf strain he was carrying slowed him up

Half time game, with the Farts 2-1 down, and Rearend limped towards the sheds, calling for a replacement, quickly stripping off and then helping Trapper into the pads. Whatever divine hockey God was looking down we don’t know, but it was like a “Moses parting the red sea” moment when Trapper strode onto the fields, maybe because he cut a fine figure in the huge gear, or possibly as everyone was laughing because the pads were on the wrong way around!

This was a sporting moment to savour, Trapper seemed to take to keeping like a duck to water, he was all grace, strength poise and balance as he kicked, dived and cleared the ball with pads and stick. It added new found confidence to the entire team as they kept the pressure on the guns. Nuts nearly had a moment of glory in front of goal but his shot was saved at the last moment (and debs let out a very audible “sigh of relief” from the side line)

Rearend had taken up Trappers position on the right wing, he must like standing in goal because he spent most of the second half standing in the young guns goal mouth.

Others plays played their part as well, another energetic game from Craig, a skilful and tactically aware Scotty saw a good number of through balls and searching passes, some strong defence by Toddy and good clearances.

Overall it was a good result , and one the team can build on. It was a widely held belief that if the Farts had last year’s team they would have thumped them.

Maybe the scene is set for a proper grudge match later in the season......


1 – Adrian – well Hit PC that fair thumped the back boards


3 – Craig – energetic game, and a bit bolshy too, the Silverspoon Voucher will apparently be put to good use for mothers day!

2 – Scotty – deserved some points, even if just for passing to Trapper (Cam never did!)

1 – Trapper – to see him in goal was sheer “poetry in motion!”

2- Robbie -1 for umpiring the 4th team early Sunday morning, 1 for bringing the oranges

Friday, April 29, 2011

The match up of the year, age V wisdom, fitness V flab, long hair V no hair.

Hi sports Fans,
Its the match up of the year, age V wisdom, fitness V flab, long hair V no hair.

Its this years annual revenge match of the Old Farts V the Young Guns, Sunday 2.15. The groundstaff have had meetings with the Farts management during the week and in try sporting tradition of fairness (just like the cricket world cup!) , have prepared the pitch to our exact specs, hard (but with a bit of flex), smooth and green with white lines.

After the past two years its 2 - 1 up to the Farts, although a birdie tells me that officially the Guns might be able to level that score this weekend (well officially anyway).

"Winner takes all" in that they definitely stay in R1, and this is likely to sway the result to the guns, although on the field as some recently said "their's no such thing as a friendly game between two Naenae sides"!

I think that its our turn to wear the "away" colours, which i think Chris and Allan are organising, Allan will also provide the Farts with a new match ball,

Robbie is bringing the oranges and the weather looks good.
So with "teamer" preparing the responses its all ready for a big show down.

One last point, i appear to have lfet the ice pack behind after the last game, second one we've lost in two successive seasons. Did anyone pick it up?

The club doesn't provide these, so if anyone has a spare let me know otherwise ill have to buy another one (comes out of my pocket money - ains is really stingy, only get $5 a week so won't have any money for Peanut slabs for nearly 2 months!)

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Battle of the bighorn...revisited

Well, not quite, as the Old Farts (Custer) didn’t get annihilated by Indians 5 (the Indians) , as they certainly stood up and were counted.

In the cross over round of R1 Promotion/Relegation the farts matched up against Indians 5. Again it was another mismatch, as even with a few visiting players from the 4th team, the Farts pack averaged 30 to 40 KGs to 8 years and per player on Indians 5. However they quickly scored a couple of goals to open their accounts. In true British tradition the Farts defence manned up, and fought valiantly, with every man doing their duty (and Nuts as well). Rearend had plenty of practise with lots of Indians shots close enough for him to fend or bat away, and Nuts saved a rising shot off the line.

The Farts certainly gave out some of their own, with a number of runs and long through balls they applied some pressure of their own.

Half time saw the Farts 3-0 down, not a bad result given the pressure Indians 5 had applied.

The second half was a much more even affair, with more emphasis on marking (especially trapper on their CH) paid off. Although they still attacked the attacks broke down outside the circle and the backs were able to clear the ball. Adrian had seemed to run endlessly in the first half and continued this in the second, seeming to be everywhere.

A break down the right wing to the line saw the ball pulled back, a melee in the goal mouth saw a light shot at goal by Peter E, and in a shot Needles would have been proud of (because he did them all the time to “steal” goals) f Jolly slammed it the last 3 inches to claim the goal.

The game ended 5-1, although again the game was more even than the score line suggested.

A number of players are starting to hit their straps, Ash again had a couple of cameo appearances, even playing at CF and IR! A number of times he appealed to the umpires for a free hit on the basis that the opposition had simply jogged around him faster than he could move.


1 – Jolly


3 – Adrian – great effort, lots of running and tackling, energetic in defence (Halves) and attack (inner)

2- Craig - close second behind Adrian in effort, again energetic in his efforts and also organised the midfield

1 – Toddy – solid defensive game, especially around the circle edge on defence

1 – Rearend – Umpired 4th team game Sunday morning

1 – Willie – turned up, but more importantly brought the oranges!

Sunday, April 10, 2011

Breaking Wind

Breaking wind, just received here at Reuters news, Old Farts post first win of the season.
While they may be struggling with the fitness and flexibility of the junior teams they are playing on the turf, off the turf they have snatched a win and their first trophy of the year.
Saturday night, at the Naenae clubrooms, the Old farts (well Trapper, Ains and friends - inc Google) came from behind to win the annual Naenae hockey club Quiz night.
Like they play on the turf, they started steady and maintained a constant pace, and though experience and wisdom played their joker in the music round to end full time level with "not for individual consumption". The sudden death tie breaker was won with trapper knowing the world ranking for the womens black sticks last year (not sure if Ains knew he watched the games, maybe he was just watching Charlotte Harrison).

CIMG8909.JPGAt the medal ceremony the Farts received their Gold medals, the first trophy of the season

Farts lose again but showing improvement

In their third early season game the Farts continued to show glimpses of last years form, all be it for a team that lost almost half of their team mates in the preseason.

Petone 1 came out firing, and scored three quick goals, which would have dropped the heads of an ordinary team, but the Farts struggled through it and started to apply their own pressure. The management team were continuing their early season conditioning program, and didn’t wnat to risk Ropes peaking too early so pulled him after 10 minutes. They had a number of chances in the first half with a couple of PC’s, the game see sawed and the boys went to the sheds 4 – 0 down.

A stern talking to at half time saw the Farts go out and apply more pressure, and the second half was certainly more even, the high stamina levels of the Farts starting to show over the “spash and Dash” petone youngsters.

More pressure was applied, with a good movement down the RH ending with Scotty flicking the ball back to Toddy just outside the circle, he drove it in for Adrian to find the back of the net. For a long time the Frats held the score at 1-1 (for the half).

Trapper showed his speed and new found trapping ability, flashing down the RH flank, rounding the Full back only to be taken out with a blatant hack with just the Goalie to beat. Despite his protests only a PC was awarded.

The Farts finsihed the game 6-1 down, but came off knowing they are improving, and looking forward to the real season to come.

Special mention must go to Rearend, another game to his normal qualities, some good saves and great play taking a petone attacker out! Would have got MVP but hey, he’s shy and doesn’t want the limelight too much.


1 – Adrian


3- Scotty Outstanding game for this early in the season, showed lots of energy and skill, and took command of the attacking half of the field
2 - Wicky - lots of running and hi work rate
1 - Adrian - scored again and another busy game
1 - Ash - Oranges - even if they were brown they were seedless
1 - Craig - umpired 4th team

Monday, April 4, 2011

Improved - Yes, Proud - Yes, Win - No

That was the headline in this morning Dom regarding the woeful Horricanes continuing Super XV season.  Im sure some of them wish the season was over.

However it just as easily applies to the Farts. Yesterday was game 2 in the promo/relegation round in R1, the Farts came up against YWCA 1. A team almost completely made up of 20 to 23 year olds, it was more like fathers versus sons game than R1. As a side issue, it always amazes me that we play mens teams from YWCA (Young Womens Christian Association! - go figure).

With some help from Al Hyndman, Rub and Damon, the Farts took the field with a couple of subs, and Dave P from the guns was umpire.

It has to be said that right from the start Youth had the advantage over age and wisdom, simply in the speed, fitness and agility stakes. But the Farts not only withstood the pressure, but applied some of there own with several forwards having shots at the goal and some promising runs in attack that couldn't quite get into the circle.

In defence Rearend was outstanding, even saving a stroke.  A strange decision where the umpire appeared to indicate a PC but the YW players prepared for a stroke, there seemed to be confusion but a stroke it was, and Rearend dived the right way to smother it.

A little later Ash went down in a heap after a lifted ball smacked him on the side of the knee. most of the team stood around, and wondered when the they would bring the big canvas shield onto the pitch and put him out of his misery, but Ains like the greyhound she is grabbed the ice pack and tore around the pitch to attend to ash.  Meanwhile Ash was in too much pain to move, but still managed to harangue the poor YW guy that hit him, enough to make him run from the field in tears.

The team weathered the rest of the first half and went to the sheds 3-0 down, not a bad effort considering.

The second half was more of the same, with some of the Farts starting to show the strains of early season hockey, Nuts had a run (will walk) at CF. The poor guy hasn't scored for three seasons so i think hes getting desperate, at least it looked that way when he wouldn't pass.

It has to be said the defence was outstanding, and Al Hyndman made a superb save parrying a lifted shot around the post just off the line.

The game ended 5-0, but the scoreline didn't really reflect the play of the Farts, certainly a game they can look back on, and if not quite proud , can at least hold their heads up .

3- Rearend  - superb game,m back to his best after an injury ridden last year
2 - Al "they can't see the whites of my eyes because i'm wearing sunglasses" Hyndman- good effort and superb defence, wins him the player of the day breakfast voucher
1 - Ains - sprinted round (well at Farts pace it was sprinting) to administer the ice to Ash when he was brought down by a rising ball.

No point for umpiring as both the last 2 weeks R3 team games were cancelled

Oranges - forgot these points last week
1 - Trapper  (last week)
1 - Rearend (this week)

Need a volunteer for oranges next week.

Also reminder - Craig P, umpiring the R3 team, Sunday 10th April 2:15 Fraser park.

Monday, March 28, 2011

Farts open with a rusty performance

It was a low weekend for the capital with all the major teams going to bed Sunday night with a loss against their record. The Pulse did well yesterday, and probably could/should have won, but in the end the 5 goal deficit didn't quite show the closeness of the game.
The Horricanes were just horrible, with an initial fast scoring break to go up 20 points early in the first half, but mainly because the rebels were woe-full. When the rebels got their act together the rolled over the Canes.
And yesterday morning the Farts looked rusty and have to admit older and slower than their opposition. Mind you, the opposition had an average age of half the Farts?
It also didn't help that just before the start of the game they looked to be 3 players down. Phil (of Young Guns goalie fame) was scheduled to umpire but the UH umpire let him play for us, and they also loaned us on of their players (Lorne). starting with 10 players , they were just overwhelmed with UH's pace and fitness, although the Farts defence certainly stopped a complete thrashing early one. It wasn't all one way traffic with the Farts getting a couple of early PC's,m and trapper missing a shot at goal while unmarked from the penalty spot from a Willie centre.
3-0 down, and another hit off for the Frats, and this time Lorne played the ball forward between the opposition frwards, with lightning acceleration, Trapper was off, beating the forwards to the ball, weaving past the Half, then the Right fullback and driving along the goal line and managed to force a PC. This one came out cleanly to Adrian who slammed the ball into the backboard to open the Farts scoring acct for the year.
Shortly afterwards Dave (another Young Gun) turned up to get the Farts to 11 players, and a bit later Ash as well so they now had a reserve. The Farts certainly looked better with a full team and gained some semblance of structure.
The first half finished with UH getting more goals and Glenn Shining in goal to keep the scoreline under 10.
A stern talk from Ash at half time focussed on basics, with Lots of passing, and not trying to take on the younger fitter UH players.
First 10 mins of the second this worked but then the Frats seemed to again lose their way, with players getting sacked with the ball and soft passes getting intercepted.
Vary late in the second half the rain started, which some players saw as a great relief (early season!) until the lightning and thunder.  The umpires called the game off with 3 mins to go, and we retired to the veranda (out of the rain) for oranges and a chat.

Goal scorer - Adrian 

3- Rearend - deserving winner of the "Silverspoon MVP of the day", although letting in 13 (yes 13!) he actually put in a huge effort and easily saved that many again.
2- Nuts - big effort in defence, even appeared to get a sweat up.  Although signs that hes going soft as he didn't want to drive the mustang to the game in case it got wet!
1 - Craig - strong effort at Centre Half, lots of running on and off the ball, a good opening game
1 - Adrian - Umpired the 4th team game at NHS
.5 - Scotty  - turned up to watch half the game and ended up umpiring half the game

Thursday, March 24, 2011

Three more sleeps till hockey..............

Only three more sleeps till Hockey, three more sleeps till the big fat men in their bright red shirts take the fiels and wave their sticks, three more sleeps till hockey............

Yes sports fans, after the dissapointing events of the cricket world cup, an ordinary (some might say "the usual" ) start to the Super XV season by the hotrricanes, the sporting woprld looks forward to this sunday monday when another season of outstanding sporting action, memorable feats and gentlemanly conduct on the field (Yeah Right) will dawn.

Yes, its that most glorious of events, the first game of the Old farts for 2011.

We men of substance will take the field of valor to do battle against our northern neighbors, Upper Hutt. The powers that be have noticed that the gradual build up of Hockey power in wellington has been "The Farts", and have moved us up a grade to R1 for the promotion/relegation series.

With some defections, transfers and some players deciding to hang up their boots through injury or family commitments (not naming anyone, if its that bad Moses and Needles, you could play for the girls teams - Blouses!) it will be a similar but modified Farts team that take the field.

Hit off is 11.15, so lets be there with plenty of time so that we can warm up, ie have a chat, abuse each other, write down the team names and work out weher we are all going to play!

Were looking for a big effort form the team, especially as there are a couple of positions that will be hotly contested amongst a group of players (right and left back), so the coaching team will be watching the game, reviewing the tapes and taking bribes as to who will be promoted those two key positions.

Now for some important notices (in order of importance)
  • Oranges - Trapper will bring the Oranges this week and we will christian the Farts official Oranges bag
  • Sideline manager, phsyio, supporters team manager and return trip bus driver (after ive had a couple of oranges) - Ainsley.  Ains will run the interchange bench, under Ash's strict instructions this year, which should make tactical  interchanges smoother.
  • Sorry Nuts, sideline physio will consist of cold "magic " spray, probably administered froma  distance
  • Player of the day - i'm finalising a deal where player of the day gets a 2 for 1 breakfast voucher at a top Silverstream cafe (no not macs!) they will probably also provide a prize for the team MVP at the end of the year.
  • Umpiring - the club is trying to organise it so that each provides each week a umpire for the team below them, which means the young Guns will umpire us etc.  this will kthe pressure of us having to field a team and umpire, but will mean that every week one of us will need to umpire a game.  all the names go on the schedule, but we can also work this out amongst us.  with 20 odd games each of us might do max 2 games in the season.
  • see you all there Sunday morning.  PS if you haven't registered please do this ASAP
As usual all the news,views, reviews will be on the blog

Monday, March 14, 2011

13 sleeps till Hockey

To the tune of ZMFM's "Sleeps till Santa" 

"13 sleeps till hockey, 13 Sleeps till Hockey, 13 sleeps till the big fat men in their big red shirts take the field and play with their balls, 13 sleeps till Hockey"

Yes sports fans, only 13 sleeps till the ,mighty Farts take the field for another action packed season.
The first three games are
Sun 27th 11:15 Fraser V Upper Hutt 1 - (I'll bring the oranges for the first game)
April 3rd 9.45 AM NHS1 V YWCA 1
April 10th Fraser V Petone 1

Not exactly certain why, but potentially because the assn had heard that Ash was back in the red and black again, possibly because they know Glenn is putting on the pads for a full season, or maybe their spys had told them that trapper had brought a new stick, but what ever the details, the assn was obviously impressed with our skill, fitness and style last year.
They have promoted both the Young Guns and the Old Farts into R1 for the initial promotion/relegation play offs. We'll have three good first up games, to see where we play this year.

As a lead up to the game we are planning a tactical discussion session, at "Charletons" bar in Silverstream this friday night after work. Glenn, Craig and I are in, any other takers? If yes ill book a table in the sun where we can sink a few and muse on what this year will bring.

The Frats have extended their management team this year, with Ash accepting the role of senior coach (lets face it, with 11 or 12 coach's on the field we still need a senior one to be boss), and ainsley taking on sideline manager. 

I've nearly manged to secure sponsorship for "player of the day" and also an overall treat for "end of year MVP"

Friday, February 11, 2011

Breaking News - Cam Defects !

Yes sports fans, in breaking news this morning Cam "i won't pass you the ball" Ellis has announced that hes seeking a transfer from the Farts to the Kindies team (younger than young guns).

The Farts management are stunned, what will they do this year, how will they cope with the new challenges of balls being passed around the forwards, of potentially always having a full team on the field, of their average age now reflecting their average age?

Cam was interviewed about this in the ticket booth last night and had this to say;

2011, what will you bring, a new level of gas for the farts?? I have spent a little time thinking about this year and what it has in store for me as a member of the Naenae Hockey Club.

I had to reflect on 2010 and what a year it was for me. I can easily say that I loved the year, it was made brilliant by the camaraderie, ripe oranges, constant support (I always managed to score a couple of hot chips from Craigs girls!!).

The blog was brilliant and is still in my online favourites bar at work. I anticipate the quality of journalism that is to continue on this year.

2010 for me was a year that I had one personal goal in hockey, as a recovering umpire taunt-aholic I knew that I had to learn to spend less time off of the field as decided by umpires. As a new Dad I wanted to learn to be something new, responsible.

I had a good season card wise. Only being binned once throughout the season for what I definitely still deem to be a legitimate shoulder first tackle. Although there were no arms, the player wasn't lifted above horizontal.

That aside I had a huge blemish in the final for discussing a point with Vaudin…. Yellow number two.

2011 has a new set of goals…… best way to word it?? I had a look over last years blogg and picked out an amazing piece of writing which helped me decide my goal…..

Most Memorable sporting moment

We’ve asked a couple of the players to join us in the Caretakers room this morning for a quick chat about the most memorable moment in their hockey career so far

Firstly Cambo“well it actually was last week in the semi final. I got the ball somewhere near our 16, dribbled all the way to the oppositions goal line drawing the goalie, and then passed the ball to trapper, he missed the open goal, but, I “passed” the ball, i mean, i actually passed the ball. It’s something I’ve wanted to do all my life, the Everest of my hockey career, I’ve been visualising that moment since i got my first pair of long trousers” !"- Trapper, August 31, 2010.

Ok, Passing, 2011. Here we come. I spoke to my psychiatrist who has already prescribed me with a strong dose of Clonazopam to take before and at half time during games. This should help the nervous twitches that cause me to want to shoot.

The second is conversion rates…..

"Cam was his usual self, all over the place, in attack and defence, except his conversion rate was poor, 2 goals from 19 shots!"- Trapper, August 29, 2010.

For me to achieve the lofty heights of passing and conversion rates I feel I need to move out from the apron strings of the Farts. You have nurtured me and shown me the way of the woo. I had such quality ball all season, given ample opportunities to grow and I feel that I need to move onwards to a new grade.

I think you new it already from the media reports last year:

Much like any media rumours, they turn out to be true. Look at Shurley (Warnie and Liz Hurley…)it might be the urine coloured hair or his tricky fingers but the ladies keep coming……. (no pun intended). Here was the report….

Late Breaking news

Cambo has been cited by the FCA (Farts Complaint Authority) , last night after the game he was see drinking with the Young Guns, and and its alleged that he was trading team secrets for drinks. Farts management has evidence he had shared secrets such as “Trapper can’t Trap”, “Nuts can’t run” and promising that in the final next week “he wouldn’t pass”. The FCA will have to decide the severity of these allegations and any suitable recourse.

This year I want to play for Naenae's top mens grade. Although they are the 'top' grade it doesn't mean that they are the best…. Not yet anyway. I want to contribute to a club that has a good group going and do what I can to get them back up the grades. I felt out of place a bit last year, most of the team had been through hip replacements, triple by-passes, strokes (explains rearends speech) and alcoholism (or in NZ terms, "social drinking/oranges").

I thank you guys for an awesome year, and I will definitely be around to support the team this year. In fact, when I trial for the top team and they say they don't want me I will probably be back with my tail between my legs begging for a chance to be orange boy!!

Always a man of few words, even if the umpires know most of them, cam will be missed!

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